Stand By Me

 

The story of the “Complete and Total Barf-A-Rama”

 

 

(from the original script)

 

 

VIDEO FILE

 

Chris:

Hey, Gordoe, why don't you tell us a story?

 

Gordie:

I - I don't know.

 

Chris:

Oh come on.

 

Vern:

Yeah, come on, Gordoe. But not one of your horror stories, okay? I don't wanna hear no horror stories. I'm not up for that, man.

 

Teddy:

Why don't you tell us one about Sergeant Stone and his battling leathernecks?

 

Gordie:

Well the one I've been thinking about is kind of different. It's about this pie-eating contest. And the main guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan.

 

Vern:

Like Charlie Hogan's brother. If he had one.

 

Chris:

Good Vern. Go on, Gordie.

 

Gordie:

Well this kid is our age but he's fat, real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know it's not his fault it's his glands.

 

Vern:

Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds. Supposed to be Hyboid Gland or something. Well I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a blimp. No shit.  She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time –

 

Chris:

Shut up, Vern.

 

Vern:

Yeah, yeah, right. Go on, Gordie, it's a swell story.

 

Gordie:

Well all the kids instead of calling him Davie they call him Lardass; Lardass Hogan. Even his little brother and sister call him Lardass. At school they put a sticker on his back that says 'wide load,' and they rank him out and beat him up whenever they got a chance. But one day he gets an idea. The greatest revenge-idea a kid ever had.

 

Mayor:

The thing on? Can you hear me? Now the next contestant in the great tri-county pie-eat Principal John Wiggins! And our celebrity-contestant from K-L-A-M in Portland, the Bossman himself; Bob Cormier!

 

Cormier:

Hey, from the racks and stacks it's the best on wax. How about another olden golden twin spin sound set? With K-L-A-M in Portland . . . i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t's . . .

 

Crowd:

Boss!

 

Mayor:

A newcomer to the pie-eat but one we expect great things from in the future. Young master David Hogan!

 

(Lardass Hogan trips on steps)

 

Travis:

Are you alright, young man?

 

Heckler 1:

Hey, Lardass, how was your trip?

 

Travis:

I hear you got a big appetite, Lardass, don't even think about winning this.

 

Heckler 2:

Boy are you fat!

 

Mayor:

Don't pay any attention to those fools, Lardass -uh- Davie.

 

Crowd:

Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.

 

Mayor:

And now the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own Bill Travis! Listen, I got ten riding on you myself, Billy-boy. Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drumroll !

 

Twins:

Hey, Lardass! Chow down, wide load!

 

Mayor:

Ha, ha, ha. GO!

 

Various:

Done!

 

Mayor:

You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.

 

Crowd:

Lardass! Lardass!

 

Gordie:

What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge. And right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.

 

[Just before the pie-eating contest, Lardass drank a huge bottle of Castor Oil and swallowed a raw egg.]

 

Crowd:

Lardass! Lardass!

 

Various:

Done!

 

Gordie:

By the time he was eating his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies, he pretended he was eating cowflops and rat guts in blueberry-sauce.

 

Crowd:

Lardass! Lardass!

 

Lardass:

Done!

 

Gordie:

Slowly a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound like a log-truck coming at you at a hundred miles an hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth. And before Bill Travis knew it, he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier take one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins. Principal Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelly-twins barfed on each other. And the women's auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he created. A complete and total Barf-A-Rama.

 

C,T,V:

Yeah!

 

Chris:

Now that was the best, just the best.

 

Vern:

Yeah.

 

Teddy:

What happened?

 

Gordie:

What do you mean?

 

Teddy:

I mean, what happened?

 

Gordie:

What do you mean what happened? That's the end.

 

Teddy:

How can that be the end, what kind of an ending is that? What happened to Lardass?

 

Gordie:

I don't know. Maybe he went home and celebrated with a couple of cheeseburgers.

 

Teddy:

Jeeze. That sucks. Why don't you make it so that Lardass goes home, an' he shoots his father. An' he runs away. An' - an' he joins the Texas- Rangers. How about that?

 

Gordie:

I - I don't know.

 

Teddy:

Something good like that.

 

Vern:

I like the ending. The barfing was really good. But there is one thing I didn't understand. Did Lardass have to pay to get into the contest?

 

Gordie:

No, Vern, they just let him in.

 

Vern:

Oh! Oh great. Great story.

 

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