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Stand
By Me The story of “Complete and Total Barf-A-Rama” (from the original script) Chris: Hey, Gordoe, why don't you
tell us a story? Gordie: I - I don't know. Chris: Oh come on. Vern: Yeah, come on, Gordoe. But not one of your horror stories, okay? I
don't wanna hear no horror stories. I'm not up for that, man. Teddy: Why don't you tell us one
about Sergeant Stone and his battling leathernecks? Gordie: Well the one I've been thinking
about is kind of different. It's about this pie-eating contest. And the main
guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan. Vern: Like Charlie Hogan's
brother. If he had one. Chris: Good Vern. Go on, Gordie. Gordie: Well this kid is our age but
he's fat, real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know it's not his
fault it's his glands. Vern: Oh yeah, my cousin's like
that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds. Supposed to be Hyboid
Gland or something. Well I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a
blimp. No shit. She looks like a
Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time – Chris: Shut up, Vern. Vern: Yeah, yeah, right. Go on,
Gordie, it's a swell story. Gordie: Well all the kids instead of
calling him Davie they call him Lardass; Lardass Hogan. Even his little brother
and sister call him Lardass. At school they put a sticker on his back that says
'wide load,' and they rank him out and beat him up whenever they got a chance. But
one day he gets an idea. The greatest revenge-idea a kid ever had. Mayor: The thing on? Can you hear
me? Now the next contestant in the great tri-county pie-eat Principal John
Wiggins! And our celebrity-contestant from K-L-A-M in Portland, the Bossman
himself; Bob Cormier! Cormier: Hey, from the racks and
stacks it's the best on wax. How about another olden golden twin spin sound
set? With K-L-A-M in Portland . . . i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t's . . . Crowd: Boss! Mayor: A newcomer to the pie-eat but
one we expect great things from in the future. Young master David Hogan! (Lardass Hogan trips on steps) Travis: Are you alright, young man? Heckler 1: Hey, Lardass, how was your
trip? Travis: I hear you got a big
appetite, Lardass, don't even think about winning this. Heckler 2: Boy are you fat! Mayor: Don't pay any attention to
those fools, Lardass -uh- Davie. Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.
Mayor: And now the one you've all
been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own Bill Travis! Listen, I got
ten riding on you myself, Billy-boy. Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your
backs, gentlemen! Drumroll ! Twins: Hey, Lardass! Chow down,
wide load! Mayor: Ha, ha, ha. GO! Various: Done! Mayor: You better pace yourself if
you wanna hold out, boy. Crowd: Lardass! Lardass! Gordie: What the audience didn't
know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was
revenge. And right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it. [Just before the pie-eating
contest, Lardass drank a huge bottle of Castor Oil and swallowed a raw egg.] Crowd: Lardass! Lardass! Various: Done! Gordie: By the time he was eating
his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies, he
pretended he was eating cowflops and rat guts in blueberry-sauce. Crowd: Lardass! Lardass! Lardass: Done! Gordie: Slowly a sound started to build in Lardass'
stomach. A strange and scary sound like a log-truck coming at you at a hundred
miles an hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth. And before Bill Travis knew
it, he was covered with five pies
worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed.
Bossman Bob Cormier take one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal
Wiggins. Principal Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to
him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd,
that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on
boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The
Donnelly-twins barfed on each other. And the women's auxiliary barfed all over
the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what
he created. A complete and total Barf-A-Rama. C,T,V: Yeah! Chris: Now that was the best, just
the best. Vern: Yeah. Teddy: What happened? Gordie: What do you mean? Teddy: I mean, what happened? Gordie: What do you mean what
happened? That's the end. Teddy: How can that be the end,
what kind of an ending is that? What happened to Lardass? Gordie: I don't know. Maybe he went home
and celebrated with a couple of cheeseburgers. Teddy: Jeeze. That sucks. Why don't
you make it so that Lardass goes home, an' he shoots his father. An' he runs
away. An' - an' he joins the Texas- Rangers. How about that? Gordie: I - I don't know. Teddy: Something good like that. Vern: I like the ending. The
barfing was really good. But there is one thing I didn't understand. Did
Lardass have to pay to get into the contest? Gordie: No, Vern, they just let him
in. Vern: Oh! Oh great. Great story. |
