|Democratic Party Application||Ex-Wife Jokes||Redneck Jokes|
|Incentives to Drinking||Unanswered Questions||Naval Radio Conversation||inglish rools|
NAME:ALIAS # 1:ALIAS # 2:ALIAS # 3:
(NOTE: If you have used more than 3 aliases, please use a continuation sheet.)ADDRESS:CITY, JAIL, OR PRISON:STATE OR COUNTRY:Are you a citizen or legal resident of the USA? If you are not in the country legally, indicate place and date of entry oncontinuation sheet.
Y (15) N (0) Did a homosexual living in your home ever solicit "tricks" fromyour house?
Y (25) N (0) Were you ever active in any Marxist organization that sought topreserve the communist government in Nicaragua?
Y (10) N (0) If elected to office, do you think that you could kite as manychecks in the Legislative Post Office as Ron Coleman?
Y (15) N (0) Are you a member of the A.C.L.U.?
Y (15) N (0) Have you ever shredded any papers or documents related toWhitewater or the Vince Foster investigations? (If you tookshredding lessons from Fawn Hall, double the score.)
Y (15) N (0) Have you ever worked to promote gun control legislation?
Y (15) N (0) Have you ever worked to help promote legislation like the "MotorVoter" bill to make election fraud easier?
Y (15) N (0) Do you believe that the main function of the Federal Governmentis to provide housing and groceries for residents (whethercitizens or not)?
Y (15) N (0) If elected, do you promise to work to enact more regulations tohinder business and industrial growth?
Y (15) N (0) If elected, do you promise to work to promote more federalcontrol of schools, housing, and business?
______ ______ TOTAL
NOTE: If you ever drove off a bridge with a young woman who was found dead in thecar hours later, add 40 bonus points if you got her buried before an autopsy couldbe performed.After you finish the form, add up your score. If your total score is over 100, there isa good possibility that you will get an endorsement by the Democratic NationalParty. If your score is over 150, you will definitely get the endorsement, and if yourscore is over 200, you will get funding for your campaign as well. If you answeredALL of the questions with a YES, what are you running for? You're already in office!!As the party wants as much central control as possible, mail your application toNational Headquarters, not to your local party headquarters. If you had troublereading this questionnaire, or couldn't answer the questions without gettinganswers from another source, we suggest that you contact Bill Clinton for tips onhow to run for the presidency.
1. My ex-wife is so fat that you can spin around in a complete circle and nevertake your eyes off of her.
2. My ex-wife is so ugly that, when you look up the word ugly in the dictionary,you see her picture.
3. During our divorce, my ex-wife told the judge that I never took her anywhere. I told the judge that only 3 months before we separated, I took her to theKentucky Derby. She came in 2nd.
4. My ex-wife almost killed herself with the electric broom that I bought her forChristmas when it came unplugged as she was flying to work.
5. I guess our divorce was probably for the best. While we were in Kentucky, wevisited Mammoth Cave. I lost her for about an hour. When I found her, shewas hanging from the ceiling with her friends.
6. My ex-wife was always very unfriendly to the "little people" (thoseknown as "vertically challenged"). I understood this, though, because the lasttime she tried to talk to any of them, a house fell on her.
7. My ex-wife was so old that, when she told me she attended the opening nightof Jurassic Park, I thought she meant the movie.
8. My ex-wife was the only person to receive a technical award from the HighwayPatrol. They used her to synchronize their radar.
9. My ex-wife was always helpful with the yard work. I just put her out in thefront yard to graze for a few hours, and the yard never looked better!
10.My ex-wife was such a bad cook that the flies chipped in and bought us a screen door.
11.My ex-wife was so cold that, when she opened her legs, the furnace kicked in.
If you have any ex-wife jokes that you would like to share, E-mail them to me.
1. You may be a redneck if your idea of "breaking in" a horse includes a six-packof beer, a stump, and a moonlit night.
2. You may be a redneck if you are driving around with four more people in a carthat seats eight and you're all riding in the front seat.
3. You may be a redneck if you have to put your wife on a diet because your kidskeep disappearing.
4. You may be a redneck if your community status is measured by the numberof teeth you've lost in barroom fights.
5. You may be a redneck if the landscaping company you work for considers alawn healthy when the color of the grass matches the color of your teeth.
6. You may be a redneck if you think that bumper stickers are used to hold yourbumper on your truck.
7. You may be a redneck if your idea of a bedroom with a view involves openingyour camper top.
8. You may be a redneck if you think the "third degree" is something you get incollege.
9. You may be a redneck if you call your vehicle a convertible because it can bedriven WITH or WITHOUT the cattle trailer attached.
10. You may be a redneck if your luxury vehicle AND your work vehicle both havedual rear wheels.
11. If you've ever referred to an armadillo as a "possum on a half-shell," you justmight be a redneck.
12. You just may be a redneck if you've ever installed a "picture window" on yourrefrigerator door just to know for sure whether or not that little light goes outwhen the door's closed.
13. You just may be a redneck if you wear your cap backward to make sure thesun doesn't hit your RED NECK! (This is commonly referred to as a Catch-22).
14. You just may be a redneck if you think a Catch-22 has something to do withfishing.
15. You just may be a redneck if you cut down all the trees on your propertybecause the question "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one to hear it,does it make a sound?" keeps you awake at night.
16. You know you're a redneck when you try to ship a porcupine in bubblewrap.
17. You just may be a redneck if you have to drive a faucet into the groundto make people think you've got running water.
18. You just may be a redneck if you rename your old proctology practice " 'Jer Ass Itch? Park."
19. You know you're at a redneck wedding when the bridesmaids wear tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt T-shirts.
20. You know you're at a redneck wedding when the traditional "I Do" is replaced with "I 'Erd That."
21. You know you're at a redneck wedding when the friends of the bride and groom are seated by their preference: "Ford? or Chevy?"
22. You know you're a redneck when you have to stop several times on your honeymoon to change mules.
23. You know you're a redneck when you have to get on a ladder to change the oil in your truck.
24. You know you're a redneck when your butt-crack is higher off the ground than your "low rider" truck.
25. You just might be a redneck if you think that when someone calls you a redneck, they're actually paying you a compliment.
26. You might be a redneck if you wear your snorkel to your baptism.
27. You know you're at a Redneck Funeral, if the Undertaker refers to the Hearse as the "Pace Car."
28. If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
29. If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
30. If your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
31. If your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
32. If you burn your yard, rather than mow it.
33. If you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
34. If the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
35. If your entire family ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
36. If you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
37. If you have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
38. If you come back from the dump with more than you took.
39. If the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
40. If you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
41. If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
42. If your Grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
43. If you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
44. If you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
45. If you've ever bathed with Flea and Tick Soap.
47. If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
48. If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
49. If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
50. If you took a fishing pole to Sea World.
51. If you go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
52. If you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
53. If you've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
54. If you have a rag for a gas cap.
55. If you've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
56. If your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
57. If your vet heard sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
58. If your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
59. If you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
60. If you can spit without opening your mouth.
61. If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
62. If you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
63. If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
64. If you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
Please observe the following rules when programming in AMER_ENG.LNG:
2. Subject and verb always has to agree.
3. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
4. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
5. Do not use hyperbole. Not one in a million can do it effectively.
6. Avoid cliches like the very plague.
7. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
8. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
9. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
10. Use your spel chekr to avoid mispelling and to catch typographical errors
11. Don't be redundant.
12. Don't repeat yourself nor say again what you've said before.
13. Remember never to split an infinitive.
14. The passive voice should not be used.
15. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
16. Don't never use no double negatives.
17. Poofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
18. Check carefully for grammatical errers.
19. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
20. Avoid colloquial stuff.
21. Eschew obfuscation.
22. No sentence fragments.
23. A preposition is never a proper word to end a sentence with.
24. Never use a elephantine word when a diminutive word would suffice.
25. Don't indulge in excessively sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
26. And always be sure to finish what
While crusing at high speed in a thick fog, the Captain of a U.S. Navy Ship suddenlyspotted the light from an object dead ahead. The Captain immediately issued aradio warning on the emergency channel:
Captain: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Answer: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoida collision."
Captain: "REPEAT. Divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid acollision."
Answer: "Negative. You MUST divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South toavoid a collision."
Captain: "I am the Captain of a U.S. Navy Ship. I have precedence. DIVERTYOUR COURSE NOW !!"
Answer: "I have precedence. I'm a LIGHTHOUSE. Your call !!!"
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers from the night before with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It makes fellow employees look better.
11. It makes cafeteria food taste better.
12. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
13. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
14. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
15. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas party.
1. If the "Psychic Friends" are so psychic, why do they have to ask your name when you call?
2. If "return" means "to come back," doesn't "retired" mean "to get tired again?" Isn't that redundant?
3. In the BIBLE, the Great Flood covered the Earth, including the mountains. When Noah's Ark landed on dry ground, where did all the water go?
4. When watching the Road Runner on TV. . .Wile E. Coyote spends exhorbitant amounts of money on ACME traps and gadgets just to catch that boney little Road Runner. Why doesn't he just spend that money on FOOD ???
5. Why do women buy skirts that are slit up to their chin and wear them in public, only to walk around sideways all day holding them together?
6. Why can I park in an empty parking lot and, when I return to my car, find that only one other car has parked there since I did, and thatcar has parked IN FRONT OF ME, making me back out of the parking space ??
7. It doesn't matter if I stand in line at the movies, grocery store, or concert, people always need to pass through the line where I'm standing.Do I have a sign on my ass that says "Break Line Here ?"
8. Why do some women appear in public with hair rollers in their hair? They have enoughmetal on their head that you could stick a cable up their ass and pick up HBO !!!
9. Just where IS "God's Country?" Everyone claims to live there.
10. Why do labels on certain products state that it must be stored at room temperature?What if you live in Peru or Anchorage? Anywhere you live is "room temperature."
11. Does God really want to Save The Queen?"
12. Does God really move in mysterious ways, or does he walk normally?"
13. Why does a Coroner drive to or from a murder scene with the lights and siren on?
14. If churches are against nudity, why are there naked people on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
15. Since the UPS strike, there is word that Fed Ex and UPS will combine to form FedUp !
16. Since attempts at censorship are so common, not even the legend of King Arthur can
escape. Consider this sentence: "I remember the Galahad. I loved to give her my Lancelot."
17. If Congress wants to remove religion from government, what date will they use? They
certainly can't use any date as we know it now (A.D. or B.C.), because every date originates
before or after the birth of Christ.
18. If a MAN is standing in the forest talking, and there's no WOMAN around to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If Jed Clampett was such a good shot, why (in the very first episode) did he miss the rabbit and hit the ground?
20. Why doesn't Popeyes sell Spinach? Do you ever remember Popeye eating Chicken?
Headbutt -- (Usually reserved for politicans)
Living Dead (Unless You're Bill Clinton)
"Now, then. . ."
Synthetic Natural Gas
Temporary Tax Increase
Pretty Ugly a/k/a/ Hillary Clintone Syndrome
Twelve-ounce Pound Cake
Diet Ice Cream
How can you "feel like" you're starting to have a headache?
If you "feel like" you're going to be sick, aren't you sick already?
Live In Concert (Did You Really Think Anyone Would Perform Dead?)