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Have You Ever Wondered. . . .?
How can you save money for a Rainy Day, when it seems to rain all the
time? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? How do a fool and his money GET together? How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a
thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? If the Police arrest a Mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent? If you throw your cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
What hair color do they put on the driver licenses of bald men? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Do Septic Tank Cleaners ever get tired of taking a lot of crap from
their customers? When bulls disagree, do they ever tell each other, “That’s a bunch of
‘human sh*t’”? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on
money they already know you don't have? Why do you have to pay a lawyer money you
don't have to file bankruptcy? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her? If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then is Congress the opposite of
progress? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? In a country famous for free speech, why are there phone bills? How come there are not "B" batteries? How do "DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS" signs get there? How do I set my laser printer on "stun?" How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world's a stage, where's the
audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Do you know how to tell if a person is REALLY stupid? Call them
stupid. If they answer with "What? Are you calling me stupid?," you'll know. If the # How can you have the “First Annual Get-Together?” If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Crime doesn't pay. Does that mean my job's a crime? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? How can there be self-help "groups?" Would a gay sailor be attracted by the Siren's song? (For all you Rednecks, a Siren,
in this instance, is a mythological sea nymph -- part bird and part woman who
lured sailors to their death on rocky coasts by seductive singing.) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you've tried
some of the others? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does a Thermos know if a drink should be hot or cold? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If a word in a dictionary is misspelled, how would we know? If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underpants on the
outside of his trousers? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights? What happens to an Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money
into telescopes to see things on the ground close-up? Why do people kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off Superman's chest, but he ducks
when the gun is thrown at him? If Superman is so fast, why doesn't he just nail What if your Hokey Pokey IS what it's all
about? Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons? Before Adam and Eve sinned, they were, for all purposes, IMMORTAL.
Then why did he have to eat that apple anyway? If these stupid car dealers appear on TV acting like a fool and I buy
a car from them, what does that make me? If the United States Constitution states that the Nation will never be
without a President at any time, why were we without a President while If it pays to be patient, where the hell's my money? If followers of Hitler raised their right hand for the "Heil Hitler" salute, why do we make almost the exact
same gesture when taking the Oath of Office? If sausage, bacon and ham are from pigs, and beef is from cows, how
can the ingredients of a true "HAMburger"
be If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you
get a Phillip's screwdriver? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Isn’t an Arapaho just a prostitute with a boom box? If "Operators are standing by," shouldn't they get a
different job where the company has chairs? When someone asks you "A penny for your thoughts," and you
put in your Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make
terrible? Why isn't If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pecks of
pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick ? -- Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why is someone that invests your money called
a BROKER? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it that snow falls and rain drops? Why is it that lemon juice is made with
artificial flavors, and dish detergent is made with real lemons? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is it called lipstick, if you can still move your lips? How does a "seedless" watermelon reproduce? Why do you have to stop or shut down Windows by going to the START
button? Why is the third hand on a watch called the
second hand? Why do you suppose that they don't make mouse-flavored cat food? Why do we never see newspaper headlines that read "PSYCHIC WINS
LOTTERY?" If Psychics are really psychic, why don't they call ME
? Why is it that when your plane arrives at the airport, it is the
stewardess that's been with you on the flight that welcomes you to your
destination? Why doesn't someone from your destination come onto the plane to
welcome you instead? Why do airlines tell you to remove all pens and pencils from your
pockets in the event of a plane crash? When was the last time you read
headlines that said "Man dies from lead poisoning after plane
crash?" Why do people always say, "I met so-and-so just before his/her
death”? Of course you did. Have you
ever met someone AFTER his/her death? If you did, you need help. Would You Really Want All the Gifts of the Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of
parachutes? Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world without any hypothetical situations? If If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
You know how many packages say "OPEN HERE". What is the
protocol if it says "OPEN SOMEWHERE ELSE"? You know the indestructible little black box that's found on
airplanes.....why can't they make the airplane out of the same material? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away? If you bought a tube of “Didi Seven” (spot
remover), did you ever wonder what happened to the first six? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at the toilet? Why do they report power outages on TV? If knees were backward, what would chairs look like? If you lick the air, does it get wet? How many Megabytes of RAM there are in the human brain? Why so many male psychologists and psychiatrists wear beards? What are
they trying to hide? It may be a Freudian thing. Why network TV programmers have a worse track record at picking
popular TV shows than most any group of four people in a coffee shop or a
bar? Why so many marriage counselors are divorced or single? Why so many women in an Express lane at the supermarket pay with
checks for such tiny amounts, as low as $ Why the most expensive watches that guarantee seconds-per-year
accuracy have no numbers on the dial face? How are you supposed to tell what
minute it is, let alone what second? Why most small items advertised on TV are $ Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? "I am." is reportedly the shortest
sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the
longest sentence? If people from Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they
charge it with battery? How come you never hear about gruntled
employees? Could Sybil claim Can you stop the payment on a reality check? Why is it that the only time the world beats a
path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom? Why aren’t there signs
on the bathroom doors that read “Welcome to My Humble Commode?” Why do you pee in my pool? I don’t swim in your toilet. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do
Orientals throw hamburgers? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to
"cure" it? Whatever happened to Absorbine
Senior? If Stop & Shop and the A&P were to merge
would it be called Stop & P??? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil
come from? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get
one? Can fat people really go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a
success? If you stay in a really old hotel, will they send
you a wake-up letter in the morning? I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend
asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time." There's a fine line between fishing and just
standing on the shore like an idiot. The other day, I went to a tourist information
booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last
year." When I was in high school, I got in trouble with
my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I
want my daughter back by How can you live on a one-way dead-end street? It doesn't matter what temperature a room is,
it's always room temperature. Why is it that when you have a fever, someone
always says “You’re running a temperature?”
Of course you are. Dead people
have temperatures. Yesterday, while I was walking down the street,
my eyeglass prescription ran out. I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse
stopped. I said, "No thanks. I'm
not going that far." If you drop a safe-deposit box on your foot, is
it now an unsafe deposit box? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters
fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? Why you need a driver’s license to buy liquor,
when you can’t drink and drive? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Do mimes listen to blank tapes? If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are
they made of meat? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious? In If the funeral procession is at night, do folks
drive with their headlights off? If a man speaks in the forest and there is no
woman to hear him, is he still wrong? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Is it possible to be totally partial? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed? If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal? How come wrong numbers are never busy? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does killing time damage eternity? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? Do pilots take crash-courses? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have
parking lots? Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball
Game" when we’re already there? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
they do "practice"? If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or
homeless? Why do people who know the least know it the
loudest? If buttered toast always lands buttered side down
and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of
buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a
plane? Why is it that when you're driving and looking
for an address, you turn the radio down? How much gas will you save if you drive yourself
crazy? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is it that a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory? A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A fool and his money are soon partying. Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it! All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as " Why is it that everyone has a photographic memory, but some don't have
film? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If you poured salt on a Duracell, would you be charged with assaulting
a battery? I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something. If Fed-Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
everyone just move If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. If you pour Spot remover on your dog, will he disappear? Isn't How we know there’s such a thing as vanishing cream? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The lights went out, but where to? The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What's the speed of dark? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Where are we going? Why am I
sweating? And what's with this hand
basket? (Again, for you rednecks, this means that you’re going to Hell in a handbasket.) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there? Why buy a product that takes Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why do you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? Why are they called buildings when they are already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started going backward would the
driver end up owning you money? Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when it is in
charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it "research" when looking for
something new? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's
not adoor? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent? How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food? Why do they call them express lanes when during rush hour everything
is stopped? If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has
gone bad? Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments
by car? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet? If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics? Someone stopped me and asked if I could give them directions. I said, “Yes,” and walked away. |
