Have You Ever Wondered. . . .?
How can you save money for a Rainy Day, when it seems to rain all the time?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
How do a fool and his money GET together?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If the Police arrest a Mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you throw your cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
What hair color do they put on the driver licenses of bald men?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Do Septic Tank Cleaners ever get tired of taking a lot of crap from their customers?
When bulls disagree, do they ever tell each other, “That’s a bunch of ‘human sh*t’”?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
Why do you have to pay a lawyer money you don't have to file bankruptcy?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her?
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then is Congress the opposite of progress?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
In a country famous for free speech, why are there phone bills?
How come there are not "B" batteries?
How do "DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS" signs get there?
How do I set my laser printer on "stun?"
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world's a stage, where's the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Do you know how to tell if a person is REALLY stupid? Call them stupid. If they answer with "What? Are you calling me stupid?," you'll know.
If the #
How can you have the “First Annual Get-Together?”
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Crime doesn't pay. Does that mean my job's a crime?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
How can there be self-help "groups?"
Would a gay sailor be attracted by the Siren's song?
(For all you Rednecks, a Siren, in this instance, is a mythological sea nymph -- part bird and part woman who lured sailors to their death on rocky coasts by seductive singing.)
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you've tried some of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a Thermos know if a drink should be hot or cold?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a word in a dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
What happens to an
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes to see things on the ground close-up?
Why do people kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
If Superman is so fast, why doesn't he just nail
What if your Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?
Before Adam and Eve sinned, they were, for all purposes, IMMORTAL. Then why did he have to eat that apple anyway?
If these stupid car dealers appear on TV acting like a fool and I buy a car from them, what does that make me?
If the United States Constitution states that the Nation will never be
without a President at any time, why were we without a President while
If it pays to be patient, where the hell's my money?
If followers of Hitler raised their right hand for the "Heil Hitler" salute, why do we make almost the exact same gesture when taking the Oath of Office?
If sausage, bacon and ham are from pigs, and beef is from cows, how
can the ingredients of a true "HAMburger"
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's screwdriver?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Isn’t an Arapaho just a prostitute with a boom box?
If "Operators are standing by," shouldn't they get a different job where the company has chairs?
When someone asks you "A penny for your thoughts," and you
put in your
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pecks of
pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick ? --
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why is someone that invests your money called a BROKER?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it that snow falls and rain drops?
Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavors, and dish detergent is made with real lemons?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called lipstick, if you can still move your lips?
How does a "seedless" watermelon reproduce?
Why do you have to stop or shut down Windows by going to the START button?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
Why do you suppose that they don't make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do we never see newspaper headlines that read "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY?"
If Psychics are really psychic, why don't they call ME ?
Why is it that when your plane arrives at the airport, it is the stewardess that's been with you on the flight that welcomes you to your destination? Why doesn't someone from your destination come onto the plane to welcome you instead?
Why do airlines tell you to remove all pens and pencils from your pockets in the event of a plane crash? When was the last time you read headlines that said "Man dies from lead poisoning after plane crash?"
Why do people always say, "I met so-and-so just before his/her death”? Of course you did. Have you ever met someone AFTER his/her death? If you did, you need help.
Would You Really Want All the Gifts of the
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world without any hypothetical situations?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
You know how many packages say "OPEN HERE". What is the protocol if it says "OPEN SOMEWHERE ELSE"?
You know the indestructible little black box that's found on airplanes.....why can't they make the airplane out of the same material?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
If you bought a tube of “Didi Seven” (spot remover), did you ever wonder what happened to the first six?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the toilet?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
If you lick the air, does it get wet?
How many Megabytes of RAM there are in the human brain?
Why so many male psychologists and psychiatrists wear beards? What are they trying to hide? It may be a Freudian thing.
Why network TV programmers have a worse track record at picking popular TV shows than most any group of four people in a coffee shop or a bar?
Why so many marriage counselors are divorced or single?
Why so many women in an Express lane at the supermarket pay with
checks for such tiny amounts, as low as $
Why the most expensive watches that guarantee seconds-per-year accuracy have no numbers on the dial face? How are you supposed to tell what minute it is, let alone what second?
Why most small items advertised on TV are $
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest
sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the
If people from
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they
charge it with battery?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
Could Sybil claim
Can you stop the payment on a reality check?
Why is it that the only time the world beats a
path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom?
Why aren’t there signs
on the bathroom doors that read “Welcome to My Humble Commode?”
Why do you pee in my pool? I don’t swim in your toilet.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do
Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to
Whatever happened to Absorbine
If Stop & Shop and the A&P were to merge would it be called Stop & P???
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get
Can fat people really go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a
If you stay in a really old hotel, will they send
you a wake-up letter in the morning?
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend
asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
There's a fine line between fishing and just
standing on the shore like an idiot.
The other day, I went to a tourist information
booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with
my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I
want my daughter back by ." I said, "The middle of
How can you live on a one-way dead-end street?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is,
it's always room temperature.
Why is it that when you have a fever, someone always says “You’re running a temperature?” Of course you are. Dead people have temperatures.
Yesterday, while I was walking down the street,
my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse
stopped. I said, "No thanks. I'm
not going that far."
If you drop a safe-deposit box on your foot, is it now an unsafe deposit box?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters
fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
Why you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, when you can’t drink and drive?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Do mimes listen to blank tapes?
If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are
they made of meat?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks
drive with their headlights off?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no
woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball
Game" when we’re already there?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
they do "practice"?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or
Why do people who know the least know it the
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down
and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of
buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a
Why is it that when you're driving and looking
for an address, you turn the radio down?
How much gas will you save if you drive yourself crazy?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is it that a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "
Why is it that everyone has a photographic memory, but some don't have film?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If you poured salt on a Duracell, would you be charged with assaulting a battery?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If Fed-Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
everyone just move
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
If you pour Spot remover on your dog, will he disappear?
How we know there’s such a thing as vanishing cream?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The lights went out, but where to?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Where are we going? Why am I sweating? And what's with this hand basket? (Again, for you rednecks, this means that you’re going to Hell in a handbasket.)
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why buy a product that takes
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started going backward would the driver end up owning you money?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there
Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when it is in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it "research" when looking for something new?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?
Why do they call them express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Someone stopped me and asked if I could give them directions. I said, “Yes,” and walked away.
Do radioactive cats have
Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?
Why call them hot water heaters if the water is already hot?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
If a woman has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does she automatically lose because she can't find herself?
Is there another word for synonym?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Why are builders afraid
to have a
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?
If the plural of “goose” is “geese,” shouldn’t the plural of “moose” be “meese”?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If a train station is where a train stops, and a bus station is where a bus stops, what is a workstation?
Where would you put your pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people?
Why don't they just put pictures of criminals on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldn’t a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
Employment applications should allow for checkmarks, not fill-in-the-blanks. I applied for a job, and, when I got to the SEX section, I filled in “As Often As Possible.”
American mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks so what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for Finals?
Old age is when you’re still on the ball but you
are just too tired to bounce it.
Did Adam ever say to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
What happens when it’s none of your bees wax?
Isn’t illegal just a sick bird?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Why do they do investigations to determine why planes crash? Isn’t it because of gravity?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Why not modern Latin? VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backward is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Do people in
Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a dollar bill?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you jog backward, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it when snooty department stores put their Christmas
decorations out just after the
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
If a candle factory burns down, do they try to put out the fire? Or simply stand around singing happy birthday?
Why do irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?
If you put instant coffee in your microwave, will you go back in time?
How can you be arrested for resisting arrest?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
What do batteries run on?
Why is it that
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
Isn’t any place on Earth within walking distance, if you have the time?
Isn’t it possible to make wine out of raisins so you won't have to wait for it to age?
If you shop at a General Store, can you buy anything specific?
If you had everything, where would you put it?
If you work at a fire hydrant factory, where do you park?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Do rabbits stand in front of candles making shadows of people?
Does the guy that writes all those bumper
stickers really love
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to
a woman, it's sexual harassment? When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $
If you accidentally installed the deer whistles on your car backwards, will you be chased by a herd of deer?
If you have a circular driveway, how can you ever go anywhere?
How can you buy a garage door opener? Don’t you want the door to close too?
Why can you never buy a garage at a garage sale?
If you have a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, won’t you wind up two feet off the ground?
Isn’t any closet a walk-in closet?
Is there a museum that has all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums?
If you’re a Boy Scout and slip on the ice and hurt your ankle, will a little old lady help you across the street?
Doesn’t smoking cure weight problems... eventually?
a sign says “
If you replace the headlights in your car with strobe lights, will it look like you’re the only one moving?
don’t the Indy
Why do you use shampoo? Don’t you want the real poo?
Did you ever wonder why you’re reading this?
Here’s More . . .
WHO REED AND RIGHT
Why is it that Pi R square, and cakes are round?
How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
A LITTLE JOHNNY STORY
A teacher walked into her classroom and said, “Today, children, we’re going to learn the definitions of words. Today’s word is TRAGEDY. Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?”
Sam stood up and said, “Teacher, I know what a tragedy is. If I throw my baseball to my brother and he hits it back to me, and I get hit in the mouth and get a tooth knocked out…that is a tragedy.” “No,” the teacher replied, “that would be an ACCIDENT.” Who can tell me what a tragedy is?”
Sue stood and said, “If I’m taking a birthday gift to my best friend and it falls into the street and gets crushed by a car, and it’s lost forever…that would be a tragedy.” “No,” the teacher replied, “that would be considered a GREAT LOSS.” “Anyone else?” the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, always known for giving stupid answers, stood up and said, “Teacher, I know what a tragedy is.” “Oh, all right Johnny,” the teacher replied, expecting some off-the-wall response from Johnny. “Let’s hear your definition of a tragedy.”
Little Johnny said, “Let’s say that Hillary Clinton gets on a plane, and when it takes off, it explodes into a million pieces. That is a tragedy.” “Why, Little Johnny, you’re right,” the teacher said. “Tell us how you came to that conclusion.” Little Johnny replied…”After what I’ve heard from Sam and Sue, I just figured that if a plane exploded while Hillary Clinton was on board, it wouldn’t be an accident, and it sure wouldn’t be a great loss.”