Care And Feeding Of Your Godzilla
Bambi vs. Godzilla
You detonated a nuclear weapon at
the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, and now you are the
proud owner/feeder/panic-stricken victim of over two hundred and fifty feet
of radioactive reptilian flesh! First of all, as a new Godzilla owner, there
is one thing you should say to yourself: STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!
That said, as it had to be, let's
see what we can do about prolonging your pet's lifespan, most of which will
involve prolonging yours.
Your Pet's Habitat
Until recently, Godzillae
have been found exclusively on Monster
Island and the main
islands of Japan.
Of late, however, there have been accounts of the hulking behemoths in the United States,
chiefly in the area of movie theaters and a number of back alleys in Philadelphia. What's
important to you is to duplicate your pet's natural surroundings as closely
In the United
States, of late, this has become easier
due to huge numbers of Japanese imports into the bloated U.S. Consumer
market. Your pet should feel right at home, and any large, coastal city with
large ships and elevated trains near the ocean will be suitable for your
pet's rest and recreation. You should be aware that your pet will go through 2-3 tankers in the course of each month, and as many
elevated trains as he encounters. Arrangements with the Liberian government
and your local transportation authority may be advisable.
You should always provide a hide box in your pet's habitat. This will
be for you. We recommend a converted, hardened Titan missile silo or a mine
shaft not less than 350'
from the surface in rock no softer than igneous basalt. Don't forget to
install a filtering system to remove the lethal Strontium 90 deposited by your pet's
breath. You will spend a lot of time in your hide box. This is normal and
very, very, healthy.
Part 2: Who to Feed Your Pet
In their natural habitat, Godzillae
eat tankers, the Tokyo
tower, Honda Civics, and Koreans. All but the tankers are more available than
ever before in the United
States. Your pet will most naturally take
his food if you can arrange for large numbers of persons of Asian descent to
proceed in an orderly fashion towards subway tunnels and Civil Defense
shelters wearing silly little gauze masks over their faces. Fortunately for
you and the cause of universal brotherhood, your pet will also eat people of
other ethnic origins. We recommend the following:
Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al and Tipper Gore, the Pittsburgh and
Philadelphia City councils, Senators Biden, Kennedy, De Concini,
and Metzenbaum, the U.S. House of Representatives,
Sarah Brady, Pete Shields, Ted Turner, Jane Fonda, the Rev. Al Sharpton, Saddam
Hussein, Gen. Mohammed Farah Adid, NOW, Barbara
Streisand, Ross Perot, Pee Wee Herman, Gov. Tom Florio, Jim Carrey...
Part 3: Mothras
In the course of your involuntary association
with your pet, you may find an infestation of Mothras
in your pet's substrate (we recommend Uranium tailings or coal slag for the
latter, although he will spend most of his time in the sea). The following
are signs of Mothra infestation:
1. A huge glowing egg somewhere in the immediate vicinity -- be very
careful not to mistake such for one of those vinyl-roofed tennis rinks, or
very much vice-versa.
2. Two huge giant caterpillars roaming through the subway tunnels. Once
again, proper identification of exactly what just pulled up at the transit
stop may be in order.
3. A sonic boom followed by the stuff of Lepidopterists' nightmares, the
huge winged insect's presence usually predicted/followed by the presence of
identical singing twins of 7-8" in height and the typical
cynical, relentless, Hollywood/Ginza promoter.
4. Finding your pet wrapped in miles and miles of sticky,
dental-floss-like material, so that he is unable to move. In case of the
last, pop the champagne and leave the country.
What to do about Mothras: Do you really want to do anything about Mothras?
Oh, very well. See if you can convince your pet to sleep on top of the Dow
Chemical plant in Passaic
New Jersey, or the nearest
nuclear power facility or the new Federal high-level nuclear waste sight in New Mexico. If that
doesn't work, try a prayer to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, or a
sacrifice of several dozen cattle or virgins (either sex) to Hastur, Cthulhu, Ithaqua, and Shub-Internet.
None of these will harm your pet. Very little will harm your pet (See Oxygen
Part 4: Godzilla Do's and Don'ts
DON'T trust the Japanese Defense Forces to keep
your pet under control. The Navy and the USAF continue to react badly to the
appearance of Mitsubishi Zero-Sen aircraft over
American sites, and there's no point in starting up all that again, is there?
Moreover, spectacular as those weird- looking
satellite dish-things are on film, it is difficult to dub in the animated
laser beams they shoot in real life. A final note: Japanese Defense Force
activity in other parts of the world may cause all of Asia
to panic. U.S. military activity in any part of the world may cause the
entire world to panic, particularly in parts of Washington, D.C., Europe, and
the Middle East.
DON'T attempt to help your pet when shedding. The removal of even one
fleck of skin from his vast outer hide will undoubtedly expose you to over
eighteen times the NRC maximum annual roentgen level for high-level atomic
plant workers. Mist him down (using either slurry planes or a convenient
fireboat) from a distance. If you think your pet is grouchy enough most of
the time, his first shed will be a major learning experience for you.
DON'T operate a computer anywhere in the vicinity of your pet's
habitat (current Godzilla owners reading this are already in big trouble). Like
many members of his family, your pet will immediately appropriate your video
display for basking sessions (See FAQ on Monitor Lizards, and, in Georgia,
Savannah Monitor Lizards).
DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with the use of tactical
or strategic nuclear weapons. Despite the first rate- opportunities for urban
redevelopment and national guilt they offer, exposure to even the tiniest
amounts of U-238
and Tritium are likely to make your pet return to a feral state. They sure as
blazes won't hurt him.
DO take your pet to a showing of Jurassic Park, since he gets few
enough chances to laugh out loud as it is, and since he will undoubtedly put
the audience on their best behavior. A white-hot jet of glowing radioactive
plasma is the cure for even the most determined cinema talker.
DO allow your pet to mix with the rest of your pet collection. Dogs
and inquisitive cats will develop an entirely new attitude toward your herptiles as a consequence, and even the most crotchety
of iguanas or burmese pythons will develop an
entirely revised sense of self-esteem if they survive the aftermath.
DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with an oxygen destroyer.
Although initially effective, your pet will have an annoying tendency to
reappear even after being entirely skeletonized by such an agent, and,
obliging Japanese chemists of late have become increasingly unwilling to
immolate themselves because of your careless use of nuclear weaponry. You
will not only have your pet back again, you will
have him back with an ATTITUDE. [NOTE: Plus, the oxygen destroyer may merge
with and mutate local microorganisms and create a super
"Destroyer"-type creature, and then you'll have two oversized pets
on you hands, not to mention the rest of your body,
your house, the entire metropolitan area].
Part 5: Breeding Your Pet
You will have very little to say about when,
where, how, or with whom your pet breeds--recall the saying about the
sleeping habits of a 500 pound
gorilla. You will be able to determine whether or not your Godzilla has bred
by a certain smug and relaxed expression on his usually-dour features, and
perhaps the presence of one or more cigarette butts among his substrate. In
Japan, immature Godzillae are called Meen-Yas, in the United States, Barneys. Both types are
noted for their inability to blow forth clouds of white-hot plasma, and a
certain perverse desire to spend a great deal of time with small children. It
is best to discourage this tendency on both sides as your newest problem
Part 6: General Behavior and Tips
Generals in the presence of a Godzilla tend to
scream wildly for the heaviest available firepower--but not for long. You can
prevent avitaminosis in your pet by exploding
several low-level dirty nuclear air bursts in his immediate vicinity, but in
fact, the general behavior noted above should provide that for you. Your pet
is apt to be on his worst behavior in the presence of a Japanese fishing
vessel, but the perennial bad luck of Japanese fishing vessels in the
presence of atmospheric radioactivity means that there is really very little
you can do about it. Besides, if you object to current Japanese whale and
dolphin slaughters, it is possible to take a certain kind of unholy joy in
exactly what is going to happen.
As your pet ages, you may notice changes in behavior. At his youngest,
he is at his most irritable and grouchy, and even as a mature leviathan he
may fly into an extremely destructive rage at the sight of a Perry Mason
re-run or movie on television. As he mellows, you may find him wrestling
playfully with King Kongs, Ghidrah
the three headed monster, Rodans, Mecha-Godzillae, cockroach-aliens, or other sea monsters.
He may even begin marginally socially-acceptable behavior, such as saving the
world from the clutches of the Smog Monster or Megalon.
Recent studies, however, show a return toward grouchy behavior as time
progresses--much as appears to be the case with the Japanese.