Of Things Girls Should Never Say To
Guys When Dating
(and Think They Still Have a Chance in Hell to Start a Meaningful
Brought to you by
Always On, ‘Cause
You’re Always Blonde
on the yellow link above)
love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
. . .Rest assured that when I start
to make you nervous
and I'm 'going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change…and today won't mean a thing.
Meridith Brooks. Bitch from Blurring
". . .Never be too sure of
anything. . . .In short, there is no end of false signs, no end
of beginnings. And the single end that
is shared must be unforseen."
Daniel Mark Epstein. Playboy,
funny thing about girls. Every time you mention some guy that's strictly a
bastard--very mean, or very conceited and all--and you mention it to the
girl, she'll tell you he has an
inferiority complex. Maybe he has, but that still doesn't keep him from being a
bastard, in my opinion. . . .The trouble with girls is, if they like a boy, no
matter how big a bastard he is, they'll say he has an inferiority complex, and
if they don't like him, no matter how nice a guy he is, or how big an
inferiority complex he has, they'll say he's conceited. Even smart girls do
Holden Caulfield from Catcher in
"Women. . .you can't live
without 'em and. . .HELL, that's about it !!! "
Ron from Plain 'Ol Experience.
The Thing About Women With Big Butts
Is That They NEVER Get A Little Behind In Anything They Do.
-- Guy's Motorcycle T-Shirt
The Words Every Girl Wants To Hear From A Man
Click on Space
Ghost to Hear What You've Won
29. She's so ugly, she could Trick-Or-Treat over the
28. She's so fat, when she steps on the scales, it says
"TO BE CONTINUED..."
27. She has so much hair under her arms, she looks like
she has Buckwheat in a headlock.
26. She's so fat, she jumped into the air and got stuck.
25. She's so fat, her measurements are made in
24. She's so fat, her PICTURE weighs 300
23. "My license plate says FXY LADY."
Women, before you buy one of these tags, you need to (1) be sure that you are foxy
(Hint: 2 teeth, 300
lbs. and hair that's oily enough that Texaco pays you mineral
rights, doesn't qualify you as "Foxy," (wearing a mini-skirt surely
doesn't help, either) and (2)
that you are a lady (if you mention the word "championship
wrestling" or “Monster Truck Pull” more than once a decade, theTax
Assessor shouldn't issue you the tag to begin with).
22. "I'm thick, not
The Amazon Jungle is
"thick." The elephants, however, are FAT.
21. What's the deal with
women who go out in public with curlers in their hair?
One advantage. . .Stick a cable up
their butt, turn them a little, and get FREE HBO !!!
20. "I'm just
Uh, huh. Is that why advertisers write GOODYEAR on your ass, and float you
over the Superbowl at halftime??? Your
ass has more Zip Codes than California.
(HINT: You know you're big when you're standing at the bus station waiting to
get onboard and the driver tries to put luggage in your butt!)
19. "Not tonight, I
have a headache."
No wonder Bayer Aspirin sends you
THANK YOU cards.
18. "I don't drink
Oh, let me guess. . .you just store
it in that hump on your back ???
17. "I know your
kids will like me."
Yeah, they liked you in The
Wizard of OZ too. . .especially when that house fell on you.
16. "I'm coming by
to see you."
Well, Honey, it's 20 degrees outside, and HELL ain't frozen
over yet !!!.
15. "I'll call
Call me what? Stupid for believing
that you'd ACTUALLY do anything you say you will?.
14. "I've only had
two dates before I met you."
How true. Once with the band, and
once with the football team.
13. "I don't want to
argue about it."
Sure she doesn't. If she was a rude,
crude, and socially-unacceptable IDIOT then, why would she want to change now?
12. "We'd better be
careful. My tubes might become untied."
If she doesn't trust her doctor any
more than that, she's STUPID. The answer? . . . Radio Shack. Velcro. $3.95.
11. "I'm not having
sex until I'm married."
That's OK, if she wants her face to
eventually end up on a set of playing cards. From PRUDE to PRUNE. Cool. (NOT).
10. "I've totally
changed since I put my AD on Yahoo LAST WEEK."
It's easy to change a small mind.
9. "Kids are OK, as
long as they're grown."
In other words, it's OK for you to
put up with hers, but she doesn't want to put up with yours.
8. "I like to chew,
spit, drive a truck, and watch 'rasslin."
7. "It's not too far
for YOU to drive to my house, but too far for ME to drive to yours."
She thinks she's important enough
for you to wear your tires off the car, but she can't return the favor.
6. "I feel
comfortable with you, and want to spend time with you."
How much time? Once or twice a year?
A Prison Sentence?
5. "I brought my
pager and cell phone with me."
As if she thinks that Brad Pitt will
call any minute. Makes you wish he would.
Just a little
advice to all the women that think they have to have their cell phone with them
at all times: There is NOTHING that's more of a turn-off than to see a woman
with a cell-phone glued to her ear wherever she is. What a turn-off. If you
think it makes you look important, then you're the only one that thinks so. Any
reputable hospital or surgeon has an operation that will remove the damn thing
permanently from your ear.
4. "I can be totally
serious about a relationship, when it's time for me to be.
Yeah, and I can be a billionaire,
whenever I want to be.
3. "I've learned from
past experience that I can't rush into things."
At this point, you have to realize
that Mother Theresa was in more of a hurry to meet someone.
2. "I just realized
that I still care about my EX."
Who? The one who beat you? The one who left you? The one that was
unfaithful to you? Ex-WHAT? Ex-boyfriend?
Ex-fiancee? Ex-husband? Ex-Lover? Ex-convict? Ex-Lax?
1. "Let's Just Be
Let's just swallow a couple of those
cyanide tablets, while we're at it. Make them orange chewables.
Signs that She's Not in the Same
League as You
1. She buys wine in
bottles with a screw-on top. This means:
(a) She doesn't know how to buy wine
(b) She buys cheap wine
(c) She buys it by the gallon
(d) She's a cheap drunk
(e) She's just cheap. . .period.
2. She goes to the Fair
and won't ride one ride with you, but spends $20.00
trying to win a 50
cent prize from a game booth. She's just as stupid
as the idiot trying to sucker her into it. Not quite the kind of woman
you'd want to take anywhere. I always thought that an I.Q. couldn't be a
negative number !!
3. She thinks Bill Clinton
is good-looking, despite what he's done.
4. She buys anything
from Home Shopping Network, or any TV program that has some
Australian guy selling it. What is it? The accent? The fact that he looks gay,
and therefore poses no threat to you? The fact that he could also give you
on those pretty pastel colors to paint your room? Because of him, she buys. .
.let's say. . .a
grille/WOK/skillet that runs on propane. It's worth about $19.99, and she makes 3 monthly
payments of $29.99/month
from this clown. Maybe that's why she feels so much at home at the Fair (see #2).
5. She's convinced that
driving a sports car makes her look younger. Baby, a dinosaur is a
dinosaur; with or without makeup. If you sit still too long, you'll start to
6. She responds to every
other remark with "Yeah, Right," or "Whatever." Might I
Hooked on Phonics to help you with your vocabulary
7. You look up the word
BITCH in the dictionary, and there's her picture.
8. She can't communicate
on Instant Messaging without adding LMAO, LOL, etc.
9. She was born with the
crippling childhood disease known as Dumb-ass-a-tosis (click below).
10. She's so old, all her
lifetime memberships have expired.
11. Before going on
vacation, she has to check the load limit of the bridges, just to make sure
they’ll handle her weight.
12. She took an I.Q. test, and the results turned
3. Her favorite author is
the man who wrote "Pull Tab To Open."
Guys: A word of warning: NEVER take your girlfriend or wife shopping with
you to buy anything. You can have her swear under oath and sign a release in
front of the United States Supreme Court that she will not interfere with you
when you get ready to buy anything, but, for God's sake, leave her at home. If
you have been saving up for years for a stereo, satellite dish, etc., and you
take her with you when you buy it, she will nag you with every reason that SHE
can find to keep you from finally realizing your dream and making your
purchase. When you leave the store, she will not only have talked you out of
buying the item for yourself, but you will be giving her all of the money to
buy another pair of shoes to supplement the 485 pair that she already has. We wouldn't want her
to have to wear the same pair twice, now would we?
Also...THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK !!! DON'T GET THINGS MIXED-UP !!! These are
two examples of things you should NEVER say to your mate: "Ever since I
met you, I've swept you off my feet," and "Hurry up and make up my
Why is it that a man can take everything he needs in his wallet, but a
woman has to take a purse the size of Delaware
wherever she goes? She says that she needs it to take her makeup, etc. in order
to impress men. You want to impress men? There are only two requirements: (1) Show Up Naked (2) Bring Beer
Really Great Reasons for Being a Woman or a Man.
Guys, If You Were a Cop, Would You
Pull This Woman Over?
These are entries to a Washington
Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the
least romantic second line:
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is
sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so
is your head
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you sure screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime !